Day 9 - 10 Disappearing Symptoms

It has been 2 weeks since surgery and finally I am feeling like myself. I am ignoring the back ache because I have been sleeping in a strange bed all week, and sitting in broken beach chairs.
My throat feels good and the numbness in my neck is better. I have not yet found my voice. I must admit I am enjoying not talking. I can just smile and nod and be silent. The boys just come and find me in the house because if they yell they are learning that I am not yelling back. I am wanting to exercise again, and I am pretending that I am 100%, although I am not sure that I am there yet. I keep remembering how great I felt this winter and the fabulous strong arms that I had and flat stomach. I can get back to the stage and I keep waiting for the motivation to be there. Also, part of the denial is being able to workout. I ran 2 miles this morning and pretended that it felt good... but it was hard.

Day 8 Hope

Of course I am doing what every American under 60 would do... constantly surfing the web, all the time. I am going to be a survivor and my story and my trauma is going to be small relative to what so many go through. I am not sure that makes my issue any easier to deal with today, but what I have learned from surfing is that I will survive, my discomfort will be small, my kids might never know, I can keep working. I will even get to take a few naps. I am hopeful and I do believe in God and the power of prayer and the strength of my body.
The internet is full of great stories and also bizaar remedies. Do I believe that 5,000 mg of solenium a day can do the same thing as a huge zap of radiation for 33 days? The cancer hospital web sites are different, although they are friendly and factual and inviting, they are not hopeful and do not advertise survival.
The Dr. is back from vacation today. My CT scan is ready for him. I am in NC, but the power of the cell phone, I can call him any time, from right here under my umbrella at the beach. If the Dr. doesn't call, is it because it is bad news and he doesn't want to ruin our vacation? Is it because it is the good results, as he expected, no problem - no need to call. Maybe he hasn't even seen the results, he won't look until I call to ask him?
As I sit here on the beautiful beach, watching my boys jump in the waves, completly at peace in my ignorance, Do I want the Dr. to call?

Day 7 Denial

Is pretending to be healthy the same thing as denial? I have been trying to be quiet all week and whisper and rest my voice. I told Larry and Kitty that everything went great and I just have to rest my voice until I am healed. I did not want to talk about it all week, or remind them that I used to smoke. It is a funny feeling to be pretending that it is all behind me and I am healing when I know that the worst is still ahead of me. My throat is throbbing - is that the healing or has the surgery set free all the cancer cells and they are invading me?

Day 6 In the Middle of the Night

I can't remember if I had these muscle aches before. My legs keep falling asleep and my butt hurts. Is it from too much sitting, too much travel, or that horrible night sleeping at Larry's house? My hair is everywhere, Am I shedding after seeing the bald woman? I keep thinking of her and imagining her children. What would Teddy do? Who would take care of Josh? I feel like I am Josh's only ally in the world - who else can get him through the day? What would happen to my family?

Day 5 What is a Cancer Survivor?

What is a cancer survivor?
I saw a bald woman today, with a baseball cap covering her head. I spent a long time looking while trying not to let her notice my staring. I tried to picture myself without hair. Would I be a wig wearer or be proud to show my shiny head?

Day 4 On Vacation

The plane was cancelled at Logan today and then we were rerouted to Atlanta and then our plane was switched to land at BWI. We will spend the night with Larry and Kitty and then drive to Williamsburg in the morning. So, after 5 exhausting hours in the airport (yea GameBoy!) we were airborn. I am relaxed and yet my mind is constantly obsessing on the possibilities. When the turbulence got a little strong and the plane was bouncing I imagined that we crashed.
Then I wouldn't have to die without my family.

Day 4 Can I Leave it all Behind?

My Dr. is on vacation this week and when he returns I will be on vacation. The CT scan results will not be available until he is back and I am gone. I can call from the beach...
After the phone call agony on Tuesday, the nurse insisting on the Dr. calling back, the long phone cal between Lee and the Dr. waiting for the biopsy results. I think that I do not want to know anything on vacation. Just agree to not discuss, not obsess about the making the phone call and what day should we call, and then what happens if the Dr. is not available that day..
I want to be in blissfull ignorance on my brain tumor for another week. Also, I know that I would focus on the day the results were due and would be sleepless and frenzied until Lee was able to reach the Dr.

Day 3 The Next Test

Do you get drawn into this incrementely? Step by step you become an expert on ER terminology, really what is the difference between a CT scan and an MRI? well, now you know.
The CT scan is scary. Lee came with me and I was tense and anxious, sure that I had brain cancer and I was crying while the nurse put the iv into my arm. The man ahead of me had his lungs and torso scanned and I kept trying to peek into the control room to see. I have been so very quiet , partly because it hurts my throat to speak loudly, also because it is so much easier to let Lee do all the talking. I don't have to ask out loud all the scary questions.
Lying on the table for the scan I kept my eyes shut and tried to do some positive visualization. I also wondered about all the other people that had been on this table, good news or bad news?

Day 2 Who to Tell?

Tell no one. Live your life and look back next year knowing what you have acheived, how strong you are.
Tell... when you don't make it to book club, everyone will talk about it. It will be all your fault for smoking and be dismissed. You brought it on yourself.
Don't tell... pretend?
Tell.. get help, get pity
Definetly tell church, you need some prayers, quick.

Day 1 Diagnosis Day

Ouch. This is a surprise, or have I always known this was coming. When imagining the worst, isn't this what I always think? That reminder of the time in college with my throat so sore and still I was smoking. Is this what the call getting what you deserve? Does anyone deserve this, or any cancer? Why is this worse than breast cancer? Dying in a car accident becasue you weren't wearing a seat belt, isn't that the same thing? Will I ever be able to tell anyone?
Do you really know before the phone call? Have you know for years? These sore throats and the head aches that you have had for years, the symptoms you have been ignoring. Have you known this day would come? You knew when the Dr. called and then had to call back and then the long coversation with Lee that the news was not good.