Day 100 Free from cancer.

Declared Cancer Free by your Dr. and feeling Free From Cancer.

When does this happen? I will have follow up appts. for the next 5 years, which include CT scans and chest xrays... I imagine that waiting for these results each time will be stressful.

Even when you are cancer free, you are never free from cancer. (Remember, no one is free from cancer). Cancer happens and it is really out there. My memory is already fading of my daily trips to the center. My life has quickly gone back to the old normal routine with the new old me. I am the same and I am very different. I have the fading memories (and a lot of turtlenecks and scarves).

I am quite sad to be writing this entry. I am still amazed that I made it through all 100 days with something say. I am going to try and keep up the blogging, so in the future you can check in with me at Teddy's House. (see the link to the right) It is not about me, it is about the kids and our life, and not really as interesting. I started blogging last year as a way to becoming a writer, and I didn't make it very far. I can assure you that I will not be making daily entries, but I will set a goal to make at least one entry a week, and let's see how it goes.

Thank you to everyone that has been reading this and keeping up with me. This blog has given me a tremendous sense of community, that there are people far away that check in to see how I am doing. I really appreciate the words of encouragement and the emails from everyone, please continue to check in with me.

Day 99 Remembering the Journey

I think that these 100 days have given me tremendous insight into another world. I have been blessed with an incredibly healthy family and friends. I haven't even had anyone really close to me die, and I have no experience with long term illness. This has been my glimpse into what it is like to feel awful and still have to go through the day with your kids.
I also have an appreciation for friendship, and how each of my friends showed me a different side of them. Some of them still need to hug me every time I see them. Some of them cried every time they heard my whisper on the phone. I have a renewed energy for being a full person. I mean full in the sense of making each day positive, mostly for my husband and kids, but also for the rest of the world. I don't want to think that I went even a few hours without reaching out to someone and sharing and being a friend.
On my 40th birthday earlier this year, I was sure that this would be my best year yet. A few weeks ago, at the height of my misery, I was pissed at what a bad year this was turning out to be. But now that I am healthy and healed and happy, I can look back on the 100 day journey and see it for the positive things that I can take away.

Day 98 Holiday Cheer

I could not have asked for better timing for this whole "chapter". (although it did kinda' wreck my summer). I randomly picked 100 days back in August, not really knowing what was going to happen, and what my health would be like in December. I did skip Halloween and was quiet at Thanksgiving. I am ready for Christmas. I am ready for my holiday decorations and lights on the bushes and a christmas tree.
At the same time, now that I am feeling better I realize how much life just goes on. My kids still know very little of the details of my diagnosis. I am glad that I made the decision to keep this all quiet and in the background. Now that I am truly moving on, I am glad that the kids will not have this to worry about. I am also running out of excuses to stay home at night. I will have to make some decisions about which committees I officially retire from. It is easy to "retire" when you haven't been to any meetings for a few months.

Day 97 Red Rock

I have started to make it back to the gym.. I am back on the treadmill and back to my weight training. I get weighed in next week at my Dr. (seeing the ocologist one last time) on the scale that they weighed me each week. I would love to be back to my "bikini weight". I know that it is not really important what my weight is, or the number on the scale, but it is a sign that I am back and in control of my life again. Being at the gym makes me feel incredibly healthy and strong.
My neck is still pink and itchy and when I am on the treadmill sweating, it gets redder and redder - kinda' funny.
I have a red rock on my desk, given to me by friend M. just as I was starting the radiation. I only have a few things to remind me of these 100 days. Of course, this journal. I have been copying it into Word, so that I can keep it. Maybe some day when I am feeling sorry for myself I can reread the entries and remember what a great life I have and great friends and family.

Day 96 Pay it Forward

You may have heard this expression before, or seen the movie of the same title. Pay it Forward is the idea that you do something helpful/wonderful/deserving for a stranger. You have created good from nothing, and for no specific reason. If everyone "pays it forward" then we will all make the world a better place.
I think that when anyone has been helped through a difficult time and had to rely on friends and strangers, they come out of the bad time with a need to return the favor.
I haven't quite figured out what my pay it forward act will be. I have volunteered so many different ways, and have enjoyed being a volunteer, I will have to find something specific and special to pay back what I have received. I hope that a unique opportunity presents itself, but I will also be on the lookout for a situation that can fulfill this need I have to give back.

Day 95 Medical Update

It has been wonderful to be free of Drs appts for a few weeks. Today was my appointment with the ENT Dr that did the surgery back in August. He is the Dr that finally listened to me, and agreed that my hoarse voice was a problem, then it only took him a 30 second look to know that I needed surgery the next day. I really really like him. Anyway, he hasn't seen me since the beginning of Sept. , so when he walked in I was so excited to greet him in my loudest voice..."Hello Dr. G. don't I sound great?"
He started laughing and said "No, you sound awful.. you will definetly sound better than that soon"
YEA!! I am excited by his reaction, because although I do so better, and clearer everyday and mostly pain free, I have been worried since the beginning that my voice would never come back. Well, he did have to have a look - for those of you not understanding what this means, he puts scope up my nose and down my throat, it is disgusting and makes me cry and gag. While he is down there looking I have to make different noises, so that he can watch my vocal chords move. He looked, and I do still have a "paralysis of the left vocal chord", he thinks it is just a matter of time for the effects of the radiation to wear off, and then both vocal chords should be working correctly.
Well, it is a good thing that I really like Dr. G because I will see him every 6 weeks for a year - and get scoped - just to make sure I remain healthy. After a year I only have to go every three months.....for 5 years!

Day 94 Interacting with the Rest of the World

At work, the sales admin, Holly, has taken over so many of my admin responsibilities, mostly because I haven't been able to talk on the phone. I get a message from someone, and research the question and then bring everything over to her and whisper the details. Then she calls them back and I stand there and listen and write down responses to questions that Holly can then rely back to the phone. It has worked out fine, but a little bit of a pain...
So, today I arrived at work with my phone voice back. Despite all the help that Holly has been, I have a list of things that I needed to do on the phone myself and couldn't. I reviewed the list and will do a few a day as my voice lasts.
I have just been whispering out in public and people just kind of nodded... today I ordered my coffee in a full scratchy voice and had a full conversation with the cashier... it felt great!